Tiffany Blue Gun
by cynicaltea
Summary: We are the the Crystal Gems. We're criminals, sort of. I guess you could say we're a modern-day Robin Hood. After having to drop a deal because someone didn't have the money, we decided to steal some money to donate to breast cancer research. But now we're in a tangle with the Diamond Corporation, the most powerful company in the world.. and we brought a shotgun to a full-on war.


_Rated T. There are depictions of violence, coarse language, and suggestive scenes in this fanfiction. Warnings for content including: Suicidal Thoughts/Actions, Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Rape/NonCon [brought up briefly sometimes in conversation. scenes do not actually take place in this story], Anxiety Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Past Abuse, Drug Use [weed]_

 _And frequent excerpts from Bo Burnham songs._

 _in this particular chapter, there are lyrics from Monster by Kanye West feat. Rick Ross, Jay-Z, Bon Iver, & Nicki Minaj, and Boss Ass Bitch (Remix) with PTAF_

 _maybe click on my cover up at the top because it's really good and i worked super duper hard on it? thank you!_

 _Enjoy xx_

* * *

 **a week ago**

"Look, I can give you the money."

The busy club is pulsing with unnatural violet lighting and funky music- the strobing, low lights are giving Amethyst, who just wants to get this over with, a supremely large headache. People laughing or crying in dismay echoes around the casino- she takes a breath.

"Alright," she says, striking violet eyes narrowed. "If you can give me the money, then where is it?"

"I," the woman fumbles. "I don't- I don't have it right now. I just need a little bit of time. Just a little. Give me a week."

"You said," Amethyst said lowly. "That you would have it for me today." She looks more intimidating in the eerie purple lighting- hardened features outlined against the colourful light. "So do you got the money? Or do you not got it?" The girl is more than just a little tired of this shit.

"A week," she took a breath. "A week. Just a week."

"You don't have the money," Amethyst says, tone dripping with disdain. "You gonna take your leave or am I gonna have to make you?"

She swallows and gets up from the table. "A week," she pleads, one last time.

"Listen... Data..," A code name. Amethyst got one of their two techies, Pearl, to do whatever it is that techies do and get background info on this chick- her real name is Joanne- Joanne Halters- she likes to whine on Twitter about how her name is an old woman's name. Frankly, Amethyst can't help but agree. "You promised me the money today, man. And you don't have it. Now. I'm gonna ask you one more time. You gonna take your leave or am I gonna have to make you?"

"I'm going," Data glares daggers at Amethyst. "I won't forget about this. I only needed a week. You should've just given me that week. I didn't want to do this."

Amethyst gets up. "Jesus, Data, I hope you're not gonna shoot up the whole fucking place. What are you trying to do, attract attention?"

"I won't," Data says simply. "You know nobody here will report a shooting. They don't wanna get caught."

"I know about how far these people are willing to go to save their own asses," Amethyst mutters. "I don't wanna go to extremes."

Two bulky men are suddenly flanking Data on both sides. They're holding guns.

Pointing right at Amethyst.

"..," Data pauses for a moment. "Can I have that week?"

Amethyst probably should be scared, but she isn't. Data doesn't know this- she's got two gunners too- Jasper Quartz-Covington and Garnet Calloway- they're perched way up high- probably looking down with their big guns right now, ready to shoot if they have to.

"No," Amethyst says firmly. "I gave you until today. You told me you could make it."

Data sighs. "Alright, boys," she says, waving a hand in the air. "Deal with her for me."

Amethyst watches them aim, watches their fingers hover just above the trigger, ready to-

They both fall dead before either of them can shoot. Amethyst gives Data a few finger guns, while the dirty blonde woman stares at her with an expression of shock and rage. "Pow, pow," she says, with a grin. She closes her eyes, points at the sky, and seemingly disappears right before Data's eyes.

* * *

"Peri, my dude," Amethyst said, huge shit-eating grin on her face. "What you did with making me disappear and stuff? That was so good."

"Are you still thinking about that?" Peri said dryly, turning around in her computer chair. "That was a week ago."

Peridot Olivine- that's the name of their second techie. She specializes in illusions, distractions, disguises, that sort of thing, while their other techie, Pearl Nacre, is more good with the logistics- getting into databases, finding key information they need for their dealings- exposing, trading, selling, buying. Those two are at the core of everything they do- they're the ones who pull the curtains, who set the lighting, who set up the special effects.

"But it was so rad," Amethyst said enthusiastically. "I probably looked super cool."

"You did," Peri said, tone flat and disinterested. "But it was a basic party trick. Now, stop annoying me," the biracial female gave an annoyed 'tch' and whirled around in her chair.

"Peri," that's Peridot Olivine too, just a different one. They're twins. Amethyst isn't sure _whose_ idea it was to name two identical twins the same thing, but evidently someone got it into their head- hey! I should name these two people who look exactly alike the exact same thing! Peri was born without arms and legs- and her prosthetics make it easier to tell them apart, but still, it's the principle of the thing.

"Why is it so hard to get a little peace around here," Peri muttered, closing her eyes in brief irritation. She whirled around in her chair again.

"Hey, shut the fuck up," Dot said in response.

Amethyst snorted.

"Okay," Peri said. "I don't know who's saying this stuff but you need to stop quoting it. That's not even an entirely sensical response to what I said."

Dot cracked up. "Jasper," she answered. "Anyways, I need your help with the washing machine."

"Can't you ask someone who cares about laundry, like Pearl?" Peri asked.

"I dunno where she is," Dot shrugged. "But you're right here."

"I'll help you if you can find me," Peri said. She picked up a deck of cards. "Pick a card."

"Oh, this looks like a trick," Amethyst said, watching with interest.

Dot eyed the deck, frowning. She took one.

Peri threw them all in her face and disappeared.

"No!" Dot exclaimed. "What the fuck!" she looked around. "Peri!"

"Yes?" Peri said, all of a sudden appearing in the doorway.

Dot startled. "Oh my _god_ ," she complained, stomping off. "I'm just going to go look for Pearl."

"How do you do it, man," Amethyst shook her head.

"They're all just party tricks, Amethyst," Peri said evenly, walking up to Amethyst and reaching behind her ear. She drew her hand back, now clutching a 20 dollar bill. "Thanks for this," she said, walking away.

"Too many smart people in this place," Amethyst complained. "Is that even my money? Who knows, at this point."

Amethyst sprawled herself across the couch and played video games until Pearl came waltzing in.

"You should probably find Dot," Amethyst yawned. "She needs help with the washing machine."

"Oh, so you're all business today?" the pale-skinned woman said playfully. She arched a brow, and adjusted the blue barrette in her light, peachy-pink hair. "Not even a hello?"

"Yo, P," Amethyst said.

"That'll do, I suppose," Pearl sighed. "I need to talk to Peri for a quick moment and then I'll go find Dot-"

"Hey, I can look and pass the message on for you," Amethyst suggested. "What's it?"

"Tell her to find Pearl in the kitchen later because we need to have a serious conversation about the lewd fiction and erotic videos she's been saving to one of the computer we use to do our work." Pearl's expression was completely serious.

Amethyst stared, and then cracked up. "Okay, okay," she said, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "Y-yeah, I'll go find her."

"It's not _funny_ , Amethyst," Pearl huffed. "It's becoming a serious issue."

Amethyst laughed harder.

"Goodness gracious," Pearl sighed, walking off.

Amethyst went looking for a certain blonde illusionist.

"Peri!" Amethyst called. "Where you at, girl?"

A card appeared on the ground in front of her- a joker card. "A'ight, Peri, I know you're here _somewhere_!" she called.

There was a whole flurry of cards, thoroughly disorienting Amethyst. When she gained her bearings, Peri was standing there, arms crossed, eyebrow raised. "You called?"

"Peri, oh my god," Amethyst said, reaching down her shirt and grabbing a card that had fallen there. "Why do you have to do all of this shit?" she put the card on the ground with the others. "All you have to do is say 'coming, Amethyst!' or 'I'm in here, Amethyst!' You didn't have to do all of this!"

"Your irritation fuels me," Peri said, picking her cards up off the ground. "What is it?"

"Pearl wanted to talk to you about the 'lewd fiction and erotic videos'," Amethyst used air quotations, a shit-eating grin on her face. "You've been downloading onto your fancy computer."

Peri flushed. "I'm, I am," she cleared her throat. "I am afraid I have no idea what you, nor Pearl could possibly be referring to. Furthermore, I-"

"Just stop downloading porn and promise Pearl you'll stop downloading porn," Amethyst said. "It's that simple. You have a laptop. Why you gotta use the fancy computer instead of your laptop? You want high-res or something?"

Peri's flush deepened. She scowled at Amethyst. "Tell her that it won't happen again," she said briskly. "And that I'll delete whatever's on there."

"Why am I a messenger all of a sudden?" Amethyst complained. "Go tell her yourself."

Peri sighed. "Hold my cards," she said, putting the deck into Amethyst's hands. "Don't ruin them. Got it?"

"It's not like I was gonna try to shove 'em up my ass or anything," Amethyst said. "Seriously."

The wild-haired blonde glared at Amethyst. "One can never be sure with you." She walked away.

"You need a hairbrush!" Amethyst called after her.

"Fuck you!" Peri yelled back, still walking away.

Amethyst started to go back to the couch, when loud music suddenly began playing.

"JASPERRRRRRR!" Pearl could be heard yelling from the kitchen.

Amethyst chortled while she watched Pearl storm down the hallway and to Dot and Jasper's room- they shared it, since Jasper had joined very recently- just under a month ago, and she didn't have a room in their place.

 _Pull up in the monster, a_ _utomobile gangster,  
_ _With a bad bitch that came from Sri Lanka,  
_ _Yeah I'm in that Tonka, colour of Willy Wonka,_

Nicki Minaj's verse in Monster could be heard blaring loudly from behind the closed door.

"JASPERRRR!" Pearl yelled again, opening the door so aggressively Amethyst thought for a moment she might actually rip it off of its' hinges.

Peri came walking down the hallway a few moments later. She snickered. "As the days pass, this doesn't get any less amusing to watch."

Amethyst snorted.

"JASPER!" Pearl yelled.

Peri and Amethyst peeked into the room.

Dot was reclining on her bed, on her laptop.

"Yeah?" Jasper asked, wearing just a bra and sweats. She was lifting weights.

Pearl seemed to be physically having a hard time not staring at Jasper's abs. "YOUR MUSIC IS TOO LOUD. IT'S VULGAR, AND-"

Jasper turned the volume up.

 _Okay, first things first I'll eat ya brains,  
Then I'mma start rockin' gold teeth and fangs,  
'Cuz that's what a motherfuckin' monster do,  
hairdresser from Milan, that's the monster 'do,  
monster Guiseppe heel is the monster shoe,_

"TURN THAT DOWN!" Pearl exclaimed. "STOP BLARING OBSCENITIES THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE BUILDING!"

Jasper paused the song.

"Thank you." Pearl relaxed somewhat.

"I have a speaker," Jasper said, pointing to her Beats Pill+ speaker. "I see no reason I shouldn't use it."

"Why don't you play, you know.. something with a little less.. coarse language? Beethoven has a very lovely-"

 _Young Money is the roster and the monster crew,  
And I'm all up all up all up in the bank with a funny face,  
And if I'm fake I ain't notice 'cause my money ain't!  
So let me get this straight, wait, I'm the rookie?  
But my features and my shows ten times your pay?_

"JASPER!"

Jasper turned the volume down but didn't pause the song. "Pearl," she said. "In case you somehow didn't notice, I'm kind of busy."

"You're working out! That's not that busy!" Pearl exclaimed. "Why don't you bake with me and we can listen to Beethoven? You'll learn the value of a good symphony or sonata- you know, music doesn't need lyrics to be beautiful."

"You sayin' Minaj ain't art?" Jasper arched a brow.

"No! All music is art, I'm just, I'm just _suggesting_ ," Pearl said.

Jasper turned the volume up. "Can't hear you," she mouthed smugly, returning to lifting her weights.

 _But really really I don't give an F-U-C-K,  
Forget Barbie, fuck Nicki, 'cuz she's fake,  
She on a diet but my pockets eatin' cheesecake,  
And I'll say, Bride of Chucky is child's play,  
Just killed another career, it's a mild day,  
Besides, yeah, they can't stand besides me,  
I think me, you, and Am should menage Friday,  
Pink wig, thick ass, give 'em whiplash.  
I think big, get cash, make 'em blink fast,  
now look at what you just saw, this is what you live for,  
AHHHHHHH! I'm a motherfuckin' monster!"_

"Okay," Pearl said. "Now, you don't have to loop it over again."

 _Pull up in the monster_ -

Pearl reached out and paused it. "Not again," she pleaded.

"Pink wig, thick ass, give 'em whiplash," Dot said absently, scrolling through Tumblr on her laptop. "I think big, get cash, make 'em blink fast."

"See?" Pearl said. "See?! Everybody in this house is getting that song stuck in their heads."

"Good," Jasper shrugged. "It's the Minaj agenda." She snorted, and put her weights down. The buff girl ran a hand through her bleached-white hair. "A'ight. I'll listen to something with less vulgarity. Okay?" She took out her phone, evidently looking for a different song.

Pearl beamed. "Yes, excellent! Thank you, Ja-"

 _I'm a boss ass bitch, bitch, bitch-_

 _"_ NO!" Pearl yelled, aggressively hitting the pause button. "THAT'S DEBATABLY WORSE!"

Jasper gave her a toothy grin.

"Bitch-" Dot turned her head. "Hey," she complained. "Who turned it off?"

"Pearl," Jasper said. "She's restraining the people."

"I am not! I just don't need the b-word blasting through this house repeatedly! And do you know how many times that song refers to genitals?"

"What b-word?" Jasper asked innocently. "Nobody said anything about a basketball."

"You know what I mean!" Pearl seethed.

"Boomerang? Buddy? Book?" Jasper asked.

"BITCH!" Pearl exclaimed.

Amethyst and Peri burst into very audible laughter.

Pearl widened her eyes and covered her mouth, flushing deeply. "I did not mean to say that! I- you-"

Jasper threw her head back and laughed loudly. "You're hilarious," she declared.

"Yo, P," Amethyst called. "What're you throwin' that word around for? I thought you loathed swearing or whatever."

"I do! I do, I just- she- when I-" Pearl stammered.

Pearl," Dot said suddenly. "I need your help with the washing machine."

"Oh," Pearl said. "Oh, yes.. I forgot. It's alright, just put it in a pile on the floor and I'll just do it later."

"Told ya," Amethyst said.

Peri walked into the room and plopped herself down on Dot's bed. "You know I can lift heavier weights than Jasper."

"You trying to fight or something?" Jasper arched a brow. "Those are fighting words, Peri."

Amethyst snorted.

Dot gave Peri a disinterested look. "You can try, I guess," she said, sounding bored.

Jasper laughed at that. "I mean, your tricks are good, Peri, but you're a little out of your league in terms of brute force and killer precision."

"Precision? Where?" Peri snorted. "You know who's precise? Dot's precise."

"I do not want to be involved in this conversation at all whatsoever," Dot said flatly, eyes trained on her laptop screen.

Peri whipped a card at Dot.

Dot's hand immediately shot up and caught it, eyes still trained on her laptop. "Seriously?" she asked, still sounding bored. "You could have given me a paper cut."

Peri prepared herself to throw another one but Dot took the deck of cards and put it on her nightstand. "No," she said, closing her eyes. "Just no. Vote to confiscate Peri's cards. If you want them out of her tricky magician hands say 'I'."

"I," Dot said.

"I," Jasper said.

"I," Pearl said.

"I," Amethyst said.

"I!" Garnet called, from down the hall.

"You all know just as well as I do I would simply find new ways to mess with all of you," Peri said smugly.

"Oh, believe me," Pearl muttered. "We're _well aware_."

Dot snorted.

"As an illusionist and a superb computer geek," Peri sighed. "I feel so underappreciated."

"Well sure," Dot said. "Your act is kind of nothing without _me_ ," she bragged.

"Oh, shut up," Peri said. "You know, I'm the most important part of we do. There's a reason why Peri's the first part in the word Peridot, you know."

"Yeah, 'cause people save the best for last," Dot snorted.

Peri gave an indignant gasp.

"Bang bang," Dot made finger guns and leaned back.

"Clod," Peri fired.

"We're gonna do name-calling?" Dot arched a brow.

"What if you two stopped talking about yourselves for a quick second," Amethyst suggested.

"Ha! Why would we-" Peri began.

"Do something like that?" Dot finished.

The two burst into laughter.

"I can't with you two," Amethyst said, sounding very _done_.

Dot absently wrapped one of her loose blonde curls around her finger. She got up and left the room.

"DOT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY BYE BEFORE YOU LEAVE!" Peri called.

"BYE!" Dot yelled. "I'M GETTING AN APPLE,"

She returned shortly with an apple. Peri took a bite. "I hope you washed this," she said to Dot, afterwards.

Dot stared down at her bitten apple with dismay. "My apple." she lamented, and then to Peri. "No, there was a worm in it," her expression was serious. "That's why I chose it. I thought the worm was cute."

Peri coughed and hacked. "H- Th- what?" she spluttered, flushing. "I- no! Fuck- what?"

" _Language_ ," Pearl sighed.

Amethyst chortled.

"Just kidding," Dot said. She looked satisfied.

"That's not funny!" Peri groaned.

Jasper snorted. "It was funny."

"Shut up," Peri fired back.

Pearl gave an amused laugh.

"AHHHHH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE," Dot yelled.

"Dot, what the fuck," Peri said. "Can you calm down?"

"Sorry, I'm just quoting Jasper," Dot said, snickering. "A lot of things she says are funny."

Jasper's eyes widened and she flushed. "I've- I've definitely never said anything like that," she grunted. "So."

"You also said 'Shit fuck damn, I'm really horny right now'," Dot supplied helpfully.

Amethyst cracked up. "Ex-fucking- _sposed_!"

Jasper groaned. "Alright. That's.. enough."

Pearl stared. "You say these things _out loud_?"

"Didn't you just say the word 'bitch' real loud 10 minutes ago? Don't talk to _me_ about this." Jasper retorted.

"My favourite is 'if Dot weren't sleeping in the bed right next to me I'd quickly go grab a cucumber and shove it up my-"

"ALRIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!" Jasper interrupted, blushing furiously. "I'M NOT- I'VE NEVER- YOU CAN- YOU CAN STOP NOW."

Amethyst and Peri were laughing hysterically, wiping tears out of the corners of their eyes.

Pearl had her most offended and shocked look on her face.

"Dot, man," Jasper groaned. "What did I _ever_ do to you?"

Dot took a bite of her apple and leaned back. "What? You said it. I didn't even get to finish."

"Did Jasper get to finish?" Amethyst said.

"Weren't you listening?" Peri asked. "She never even _started_."

Amethyst and Peri cracked up again.

"Ha ha," Jasper said sarcastically. "OHHHHH that's so funny, funniest joke I've ever heard." she gave them flat looks.

"Oh, don't make fun," Pearl told Amethyst and Peri sternly. "We've all been there."

Peri and Amethyst focused their eyes on Pearl.

"Nnnnooo we haven't," Peri said, blue eyes gleaming sharp and curious.

"OH P," Amethyst said, grinning. "WHATCHA HIDIN'?"

"Unbelievable," Pearl sighed. "Children, all of you," she shook her head and walked away.

Dot stared out the window and kept eating her apple. "So. Data didn't have the money."

"Nope," Amethyst said, mood immediately dampening. "Means we're going to have to find somebody else to sell to, but I don't.."

Dot gave a low, thoughtful hum. "Ah well, fuck it," she kicked over a trash can, which was (thankfully) empty.

"Look," Jasper said. "Why don't we-"

"Smoke a bowl?" Dot suggested.

"Great idea, but not right now," Jasper said. "Instead, to feel better about losing the sale because she fuckin' lied about havin' the dough, we can donate to a good cause, like breast cancer research, or autism research, or some sort of research."

Dot took a bite of her apple. "We can do that," she mused. "Donate to breast cancer research."

She tossed the half-eaten apple behind her back to Peri, who caught it neatly and took a bite, and threw it back to Dot, who caught it and took another bite.

"Yeah. But uh," Amethyst said hesitantly. "The thing is... who we gonna steal this money from this time? Can't list any more corrupt overlords off the top of my head like that."

"Pearl," Peri said. "We can steal money from Pearl."

"I'm _serious_ ," Amethyst said, trying to suppress a snicker.

"I'd rather devote my time to finding _Blue_ ," Peri said. "The wild card," she said. "The only card in my deck," she mused, holding her deck of cards. "That I can't play."

"I bet that was _supposed_ to sound deep but it's not working out for you, bro," Amethyst said. "And why? 'Cause you got the hots for her?"

"I don't have the hots for Blue," Peri said, arching a brow. "Don't you just.. find it strange she shows up when we most need her, with that signature blue gun?"

"Blue?" Jasper questioned.

"Oh, forgot we didn't brief you on her yet," Peri sighed. "Blue. Blue hair, blue gun. For a year now she's been showing up and helping us out when we need it most. And then she's gone. We've been looking for her forever, but we can't find her."

"Blue hair," Jasper muttered. "Blue gun."

"You know her or something?" Peri asked, turning.

"Yeah," Jasper nodded. "I think you mean Lapis. Lapis Lazuli."


End file.
